Supermarket Wars, Expert Tips and the ensuing hilarity

Work is a great place to make the mind run free and sometimes the thoughts that jump into your head can be astonishing and a little worrying even if they are entertaining. I started the ‘Supermarket Wars’ posts on Facebook as I thought they would be really funny to throw weird things that the products appear to do or even the mysteries that occur down the aisles. These are not the only things I do think about as there are many others including What if’s that tends to be puns of sorts or even play on words. Another lot I have started playing with is ‘Expert Tips’ that is a little play on what many of the so called experts posts or try to tell others to do. My posts tend to be something along that line, but are really mischievous and could get anyone else into trouble, but it never happens to me.

The Supermarket Wars posts I have made over the last few years and I dont do them all the time, but every so often.

‘Today in supermarket wars : hypno toad was used as anger management, Bender falls in love with a register, r2d2 thought the registers were talking dirty, the Easter bunny was held hostage by a dozen chocoholics, quantum physics were performed by cabbages, grapefruit had gripes against pears.’

‘Today in Supermarket Wars:- Santa’s Elves try to Occupy the North Pole by working in call centres, To raise funds the Vatican brings out hair care products, Dracula becomes Bankrupt after the GFC and has to work on checkouts in a supermarket along with his harem, Frankenstein’s monster becomes a CEO on Wall Street, Zombies are next to Occupy Wall Street as the Triffids appear, Godzilla eats God who tastes like smelly boots.’

‘Today in supermarket wars: an evil genius had his lair under a shop and was called a manager, fresh produce was able to build a death ray out of carrots, apples and mushrooms, a lost snow patrol was found exiting the freezer on the other side of the world, Russia invaded America by building a never ending supermarket.’

‘Today in supermarket wars:- Evolution stopped at the supermarket and knocked, God was looking at lightbulbs wondering what sort he wanted and to see if they were energy efficient, Jesus went round and round in the revolving doors, Satan found chili dip too hot and Peperoni peppery, The Vatican couldnt explain the babblefish- Scientology found it too dry and the Latter Day Saints added sauce saying perfect, Noah went to Bunnings after timber and returned with a kitchen.’

‘Today in supermarket wars:- spam cant read maps, coffee is not good for peas, chick peas do not grow into chickens, spring onions and spring beans bounce everywhere, hobbits couldnt reach the top shelves and find elves tasty, Sauron had to headhunt minions from supermarkets, God is addicted to fortune cookies down aisle 9.’

‘Today in supermarket wars, strawberry liked kisses, raspberries had a blue with blueberries, string beans were mistaken for asparagus, rocket scientists tried using rocket and capsicans by launching them, Russians hid amongst the lettuce hoping to be let in.’

‘Today in supermarket wars: ginger snaps sakatas, thin chips crinkles, hot chooks liked the sauna, communist prawns pawned pineapples, cerial killers were stopped by crunchy nuts.’

‘Today in supermarket wars: Jedi became shelf stackers and the sith were on registers and jarjar binks and his people were managers, princess armadla was caught ship lifting, Darth vader loves fairy bread, emperor palpatine bought out the skin care range.’
‘If I wear a wok will I look like a samurai warrior? If I wear suspenders and a bra will I be a lumberjack? If I wear a loincloth will I be tazan? If I stand in the freezer will I be an Eskimo? If I have holes in my shirt am I holy? If I wear my underwear on the outside am I a superhero? If I am standing in smoke and in a hot sun am I smoking hot?’
‘If I eat a book am I a bookworm? If I drink water am I a fish? If I wear tights am I a tightass? If I get more tattoos will I look scary? If I sail down the Nile am I in denial? If I walk the street am I a street walker? If I walk around the block have I gone anywhere?’

I have only posted two Expert tips and will see how these ones can be pulled off. I think people might realise I am not serious when I post these. I wonder if any of these would take off and people would actually follow them only to realise they might find themselves in trouble. My biggest tip is try it and see what happens. I want people to teach their kids and see what happens when they encounter a fabled manager.

‘Expert Tip: to stress someone out make yourself sound very convincing and dont smile. When you see person stressing, smile and tell them you have everything under control.’

‘Expert Tip: When someone asks you to do something for them, respond with this *Heavy sigh* ‘I might be able to do that eventually’. They might just go ask someone else instead, mwahahaha’

Telling people I am off to work does tend to become entertaining as well especially when I do not just say I am heading to work. I just post something like this.

‘Load up the camels, prepare the AT-AT imperial Walkers, Alert the temple of NOD, Send a telegram to the Russians, Email the American army to deploy, Send in the babies with cattle prods, Tell NASA to send Soviets to the moon, Release the Oompa Loompas with extreme caution, Throw grandmas into the shops swinging their handbags – I am going to work cover me!’

‘Nearly that time of day again. That time where I let loose a plague of ninjas, Oompa Loompas, Munchkins, Strap on body armour, Tazer, place snipers and Centrelink personnel in strategic locations. At least I get to wear a footy shirt today, so I am in disguise.’
‘The time has come for the Lords of the Dance to emerge as protectors of the world, Goblins rise up out of the ground, The great horned man wanders the earth singing ACDC, Genies appear from Arabian nights to grant twisted wishes, Ghosts mass against masseuses, Body armour fitted with lazy rays, Gas that mutate mutants – I am off to work eventually.’
‘Time for work, deploy the cannons, Let loose the Chihuahua’s of war, The pugs of New Caledonia, The snipers of Ni, Body armour stolen from the 29th Century, A horde of smart ass barbarian Huns and the bored colonists of Australia.’
Don’t get me wrong I really love my job and I can think of many crazy things that can occur and my mind will wander while I am working, but sometimes I have to snap back to reality with a snap or else I could be lost for the entire day. I may fill the shelves and there are a few people who would say its not a good job for those on the autism spectrum, but they might not have experienced any of this for themselves. Christmas can be one of the busiest times around and when hearing carols day in and day out can become very annoying and you do want the anti-songs or the parodies. I think people might get the gist of what happens in my head along with the crazy monkeys.

‘On the first day of christmas my true love gave me, One billion dollar company, Two mergers, three hostile take overs, Four CEO’s wanting a payrise before christmas, five contracts to the military, Six industrial saboteurs, Seven billion dollars embezzled, Eight weeks with protesters protesting, Nine hours offering Protesters steady employment with share options, Ten corporate dinners, Eleven holidays to tropical islands and 12 years on the run with the secretary.’

Some bonus posts.
‘The Facebook wall. The one place where 99 bottles dont fall, Humpty Dumpty doesnt either, pink Floyd does not sing about it and people dont climb it to look over the top’

‘Today we look at the mysterious creatures called The Lol-ian. They are known to leave the word Lol on posts. no one knows if this is a complex language, they could have bred with the OMG-ians or the PMSL`s. Crikey! Next week we look at the pokers and lure them out of their nests.’

‘Today we look at the creature called a Like. Likes are creatures that lurk silently liking everything. They rarely speak and are related to the Lol-ian. Lol-ian and Likes do combine forces with the pokers.’

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