Shaping up to a good time with Shapes

I am nearing the end of my degree and have three subjects left, one of which I have already started so once this one has finished then I will have two. This means once I have completed the whole lot, it means I would have achieved the goal of completing a Bachelor of Historical Inquiry and Practice. I did jump from a smaller Advanced Diploma to this one as I thought a Bachelor would be better. The other reason was I happened at the time to be avoiding a unity about Family in History. The lecturer scared me, but I have completed it and will include the link to that family history essay I ended up writing.

 

What I am studying at the moment is to prepare myself a proposal that flows onto the next subject, which is doing a whole research assignment that is around 6,000 words. That would mean I would have one elective after that and one degree finished by hopefully the end of next year. The plan after that is to make plans for an overseas trip away in a European summer.

 

Seems to be the thing around this time of year. Work rosters change again. The whole company is shifting so it should be interesting to see what changes actually occur. Instead of finishing at midnight, I now finish work at 10pm and still work Sundays, which is what I want, but start earlier. Seems I will be doing some work on the checkouts as well. After 10 years with Coles, I finally end up doing something I have been trying to avoid.I am going to be a checkout chick on the cash registers. We shall see if this actually happens or not.

 

I did mention that it would be hard and the boss got me a good one. He said I am going to university so it wouldn’t be that hard. I didn’t have a comeback as it’s the truth. Also I have many fans at work because I work hard and people love that. I have been hearing that from others for a while. I know I work hard as I want the hours at work and that gains respect. We are no longer team members, but shapes. No I couldn’t be a triangle as it’s the wrong shape.

Renewed relations and fallen relations

The past and future does seem to collide at times and you do wonder if it has something to do with the stars or that life just changes like a whiff of smoke or even to sound very cliché ‘Like the sands in the hourglass, these are the days of our lives’. Yes I did at one point watch that show and several others. I swear I think the day time soaps really do happen in real life except for the demon possession, which was the last time I watched that.

 

It seems when one chapter ends that another will start again. Its like relationships with family. I have very little if any communication with my step father over the last year that is if you call a ‘like’ on Facebook communication. Though to twist things around he did also adopt my sister and I so that meant our names changed from Watson to Beadel. I had thought things might be alright since the divorce and the last time I seen him face to face well over a year now that he wanted a form of contact or relationship, but after the last time he appeared with his fiancé on the Gold Coast it was like I was tossed aside for the others. It might not be the case, but he was within 3kms of where I live visiting his mother who had her 80th and dinner too. Being a nice person I am, I thought it was honourable to wish him a happy birthday several days ago. Did I get a response? I did of sorts unless you call a ‘Like’ on his page as communication along with his fiancé, but there was nothing to say ‘Thank You’. I am beginning to wonder if that is a relationship if you even call it that to walk away from as I do feel I would not have any regrets from doing so.

 

The funny thing about a relationship that seemingly disappears into nothing is that there has been renewal with another relationship through my natural father, Nigel who does live in the local area especially when we actually got in touch many years ago after not hearing a word for around 20 years. I probably told this one before. He had his issues and that are his own. We seem to get along like a house on fire and mum has a friendship with him too so I should think they are both keeping an eye on myself in their own way in making sure I am alright. In the past I had anger towards him like for leaving and for vanishing. The older I get I no longer have any of that especially as I understand his circumstances.

 

With the Step father’s vanished relationships, I have seen several people act in the same manner like one guy who I shall call Mr. G who I have no idea what he wants, but acts like step dad in the same mannerisms. I did have some issues with him telling me he hates things and I put my foot down to nip it in the bud as negativity was just plain annoying and in my view actually bordering on censorship. When you tell me you actively hate an author, but they in turn wont tell you who they like to read speaks volumes. I just assume Mr. G hates books or has problems reading them. A little respect does go a long way instead of trying to fight people and then there was Mr. T who thought lecturing me was something he should do and thought I should be censored. The G and T’s were not the sort of people to ask how you were. I do not actually want to meet either in person especially through what seems to be hostile actions. I have heard my grandfather on the same family side was very manipulative, which was why when he was alive mum said, I should never visit him in person or alone. That and he was a domestic abuser and why my grandmother is no longer together from the 1960s onwards. I have had one person who told me he would have changed in age etc. I know leopards never change their spots especially not ones like that. I do know both mum and granny felt relief and a burden off their shoulders with his passing. I would take their word on that grandfather over anyone elses especially when two have the same story. Claude who for some reason gets mistaken for that grandfather of the G line I don’t think says anything, but it is a grave insult to be compared to an abuser. Mum and Granny got away from the man for a reason and in the time I have heard little worrying things about that man.

 

I probably hold people at arm’s length usually and tend to ignore them if I don’t think they are that nice or even ‘cool’. I am that person that looks like they don’t find things funny or show emotion. I could be wintery cold towards people, but that is life. I am not too worried by things that have happened in the past, present and future, but I like doing things for myself as I have actually found myself and several friends to be reliable. I am just wary of people claiming to be family, but not really wanting anything to do with you. I tend to think they are after something or someone especially not for genuine reasons. If I ‘comment’ on something then acknowledging my existence would be a step forward especially as I have done that with people in the past and never heard a thing. I move upward and forward to grasp the future. That future has fingerbuns and travel.

 

I think I proved myself to be the bigger man in wishing a birthday wish and not ignoring people, but I have been proved otherwise that any effort to move forward with certain people might actually be dangerous and ill-advised. I am going pretty good and nothing can break the unbreakable unless there are chinks and I might have chinks in my armour, but its far from tarnished.

The family unit as an experience of trust

People say blood is thicker than water and that you cannot choose your family, but you can choose your friends. That is something I have found to be very true. I tent to dismiss people when they tell me not all family is like that, but from my experience they actually are and it seems to be a huge cycle that I have accepted and moved on with. I don’t actually give people second chances especially family. If you do something I don’t like then I do not see grey to the black and white. These days its just like that, partially why I don’t talk to certain people online especially when it means I am ignored. I place that instantly in the category of playing games and I want no part of that. Example is I make a comment and everyone else gets a reply, but you ignore what I have said so I brush you off and remove the comment. I then move on or if I decide you are completely stupid and parrot the advice of everyone else and then continue to lecture me about something and act like an ass about it then its goodbye (The same people who tell others not to be sheep, but they act like sheep).

 

A recent revelation had me sort of questioning a relationship with a family member that I thought was reliable and does show that a year changes everything especially when you have not spoken to them for that length of time. It is not the only thing like that that has occurred in the past, but it does hurt a tough when you think they have done so deliberately, which is not cool in the slightest. It could have been because of a family divorce, which is highly likely or because I have associations with mum so doesn’t want anything to do with me. My only wish is the person be honest and tell me. I do think it is time to cut all ties and just say, I no longer wish to speak or have contact with you again, which will make people’s little games vanish.

 

To be honest this is not an unusual occurrence within the family as it has happened all too often and a reason why I am no longer in contact with certain people even if they have passed away. My best assessment is not to trust family on their word as they are not truthful about anything. I have asked one family member if someone else could be found through family tree records and the response was they have no records, but I had an ace up my sleeve where I mentioned two dates and the whiplash was instantaneous. There had been records and I had a date after all for a birth. The same person denied to their son’s face that their family had mental illness and dismissed him as being silly after he spoke to them about the issue. He spent several years in and out of institutions due to the damage that had been caused and he had not been in contact with his parents ever since to the point where they could not find him as he lived in another country.

 

I shall include the step grandparents, although they are a strange bunch. It is interesting to note that they never treated the step grandchildren as their own and always spoilt the grand children. I felt no animosity towards that except when they told other people that I was their favourite person when they had in fact had little to do with me. When told this, I laughed and told the people they had been manipulated. I can remember two Christmases where they were forced to give presents to myself and my sister as the parents didn’t want the two of us to be left out. I ended up with a cheap radio cassette. When I say cheap it was a $20 dollar thing and was something I loved, but not really the point. Another Christmas it was actually mum who had been given money by them to get my sister and myself something, which ended up being clothes. I know they were testing mum with money that were not hers as they really did not like her and have once said they prefer the ex.

 

I don’t know how long it was, but I always called them by their surname and they encouraged it, but I grew bored of that after a while and ended up using their given names. Permission had to be granted though that I do remember. The face of the business is it’s a family thing, but they still charge family to stay at their family business including with family who did live and work there. There were no freebies. Promises for our own vehicle (not mine as I was too young to drive) that would be given to us turned out to have strings attached, which ended up being a business vehicle where even the ‘owners’ had to book in time to use it, but it was for our use and the car we did have we sold due to a promise. Later on a car was also promised to be given and it never happened. There was a ‘gift’ that was used as a deposit on a house and the grandparents tried to get control of where we moved to, but it never worked. Since a family member worked for the family business the ‘gift’ appeared on the group certificate and then there were taxes to pay along with other extras like child support.

 

I take people by their word and if they let me down then I don’t want anything to do with them especially when they ‘forget’. A family member from a group who found me through family history said they lived in Sydney and I organised to meet them including getting their phone number. The day came as I had helped a friend doing her PHD to move temporarily to the Sydney university campus. I rang twice and no response. I found out a week later that they had apparently lost their phone, but there had been no apology for dicking me around. I only give the one chance and if they brush me off, I wont offer and I just lose interest in them. Same with people saying they will be in one place and weeks later they are actually in another. I will take people by their word.

 

A step sibling I had heard once said he was jealous of me as I spent time with his dad and he didn’t as he lived with his mother. I really did not know what there was to be jealous over as he was in contact and when younger it was pretty tough having 5 of us kids in a caravan. He created a bit of damage while I was once on holiday in Sydney by saying I had been mugged. I had seen a show at the Opera House and seen a message asking if I was alright and my response was I still had my phone. Not knowing the full story and then realising family had been very worried and upset over my apparent mugging. Turns out I learnt the full story once I got home. The same person thought it was once again fun to say I was having a big party while the parents were away and they knew better. He same person barred me from even having contact with his kids by saying he didn’t trust me even though he had been given info on Aspergers, which was never red. I heard later that he had said he wanted no retards near his children meaning me. His father never did a thing nor told him off about it. He has a thing with trying to cause trouble and gets offended and angry when you confront them with the truth and didn’t like it when I called him a lapdog to someone else who had said I turned my back on them when I had not.

I never put down the fact that I got people offside when I got angry over an alcoholic sibling who thought he could take a set of keys to try and steal a family members car so he could go on a drive while plastered. I went off at him rthe next day and since it was in the middle of a messy separation, it wasnt me who got the blame as no one thought it was my idea to lecture, but the blame went between the to family members until it was realised that I did it on my own. Though I didnt want to be living with a drug user and an alcoholic especially since I am missing two senses and it would be dangerous for myself. Like he sniffs petrol and I wouldnt know or smoke inside and I wouldnt know what it was he is smoking.

When people (family) make generous offers like for a camera system which they say they would like to help me with my travels, it does ring alarm bells as I don’t know what catches there are or what strings are attached especially after past experiences. People might be generous and I wonder if they should be more generous to their own family members instead of myself. I do have trusted advisors who I ask for their thought and while, I am unsure they think things like that are very genuine, although I do tend to drag my feet wondering if the people would give up and forget about it, but there are genuine people out there, but they do tend to be few and far between. I know the camera offerer is genuine and I have met him so know that he is unique and cool. I just havnt met up with them for quite some time and as people seem to be getting older, I should actually do it. Maybe in someway it is also thanks get getting them in touch with other family member that I have found, but I am still really wary of them due to past experiences.

 

I would say I am a great manipulator, but there is no way I could do stuff like that and not get caught as I have when I tried like to save money. My big mouth always gets in the way. I just like being left alone and to do my own thing. Many of the family members who do that are doing me a favour and I know who to trust as its only the family I know in person and not really the ones I have found online.  I don’t care for the online protest type stuff, but that isn’t what concerns nor interests me at all unless they try to lecture me on the error of my ways and then I become hard headed and that is something I don’t like especially when they might not be informed either, but think its funny when you are serious and try to inform them by providing sources.

Awareness, Bewareness, Acceptance and Tiddlywinks

Recently it has been an interesting time with plenty happening and to top it off it seems to be that time of year when Autism seems to be on everyones agenda except mine. It is actually way far, far away this year as I have lost interest in that side of thing and doing it all for myself, plus I have other things I have to have awareness with around the time of April.

 

Recently we have been hit hard in the local area with a huge flood event that has wiped out many town, although I have been pretty lucky here as where I live had not been hit with the flood events that places just down the road had like Murwillumbah. Also I have had to deal with the repercussions of not following my training within the Marine Rescue to the point where I was given the hard word or as everyone else puts it. Ultimatums as to which department I am to stick with as it was either staying with the radio room or the boat crew. I kinda failed a huge on the spot test that I should have known, but had neglected and panicked. You can focus on one or the other, but not both anymore. Harsh, but needed especially when put simply lives could be in danger.

 

Closing in on the finishing ribbon with uni means another thing apart from work and volunteering, I am going gangbusters with everything. Apart from doing all this and wondering if I should be doing anything for April Awareness or Acceptance as many are calling it, although autism wearing my shorts, playing bongo drums and drinking Orange juice is actually as far as the reading about this time of month will entail. It has only been the online community doing anything and if there was something in the Real world then it’s a huge wind tunnel. Being older, I know I can say I don’t want to be part of it if I don’t want to be. A group I think I am still part of usually says something about the month, but this year actually stayed pretty quiet, so I think the committee thing must be long overdue to drift into obscurity and just leave the FB page, not that I visit it anymore since I am no longer the adminion.

 

What is there for the rest of this auspicious month? First aid course and being trained to use a defibrillator. I say and do what I always do, but life is far better than going ‘on air’ for a radio program or ‘writing’ articles for magazines. If you want to be aware of an autistic person or accept them, how about you talk to the individuals that waft around. You don’t have to know they have a condition unless they tell you and its their way of being accepted. They don’t have to shout from the roof tops or use cattle prods unless you are just a face in one of the larger groups then you can shock them. I like being called weird or odd or just eccentric and that gives an eventual opening to say you are this or that.

Groups and Committee Dynamics

 

After gaining some insight recently through a friend who is part of a large group that is involved within some heavy projects that do involve plenty of people it made me think about my past experiences and thoughts on what probably could happen in groups to make them a touch better. There are many things that can be done and provided for especially depending on the group and maybe change the way they actually run steering into a new direction. Don’t mind me if I end up all over the place as I tend to describe the types of people in the groups and what the fearless leaders of said group could do.

 

In my time I have seen people who are the heads try to rapidly grow their group only to fall down and go quiet for a long time. I believe they shouldn’t try to over extend themselves as the work they do creates financial stress and impacts greatly on their health and well being. If people are to do such a thing then maybe instead of trying to be a national group they change the focus to their immediate area and also route the committee they have to do the same thing. That way when they know they have enough support they can extend themselves further. Social media is a great way to do things, but people have to understand that not everyone who says they want to attend an event will actually attend for one reason or another including forgetting even if they come across as being enthusiastic. It could be like someone falling off a bike only to get a second wind to recover and keep on peddling hard into the future until they hit another speed bump and happens again unless they do their own stunts while going over it.

 

Committee members who end up being on a gazillion groups and actually forget they are actual members to such groups should actually be avoided as they just want to be part of everything even when they have no clue what so ever about the topic such as motorcycles or Stock Cars. Its like they want to collect groups to be a committee on and then get hit with controversy when they wonder what happened, but cannot remember where they happen to be or what hat they are supposed to be wearing. Then there are the people who like being part of a committee and vanish after a while into the wilderness and no one knows what they are doing once in the wild. They seem to be the background picture that is always moving, but trying to sail against the wind to see what happens for the fun of it.

 

The belief that the committee members only want to do things online instead of the real world should be viewed as something of a worry. That does include when the group is needed to do things in person. If everything is online then it is only just the one or two enthusiastic people doing whatever it is while the rest take credit once it has been a success.  I once met up with several people who were part of the same group when in a regional city and the people were actually only being nice because you were part of said group, but you could tell they were not that interested. Also expected you to talk to some politician, but I said it wasn’t my job and they were there for some other person not a no body. In a way it sounds more like showing off or used as some form of bargaining chip for the politician to say they met people and quite a few of them the next time they visit their office or parliament. You can imagine the conversation along the lines of ‘They didn’t have cake’.

 

Groups can be an interesting thing to look at as the personalities can  all be different with similar goals in mind even if they do not work out or even a few people who are just happy to watch on the side lines to see what happens especially in the future as books are opened and the pages turn to show what is going to come next just like any thriller. A new book may open or a chapter might be written, who knows. Groups just have a strange dynamics that have to have egos stoked like coals in a fire and plenty of pats on the head.

Thrust in the Trust of the primiselands

There are times when you have to think to yourself if its actually worth being angry or upset with people especially family over their actions. I do find that getting annoyed is easy, but if you have an outlet for that annoyance then you will feel better later. Work can be a great use for that and also excellent thinking time even if the thoughts do rattle around in a complete circle back to where they begin.

 

I havnt heard from a certain family member who went down to live in Tasmania a while back. I last spoke to him when he was up this way around March / April of 2016 and he promised to have a discussion about my boots as I thought I would need new ones after an epic trip in New Zealand. Then nothing. It was likely that he thought that I was using work as an excuse to get away, but I really had to get to work. There was no correspondence like for my birthday, Christmas or even the aftermath of a November Earthquake while I was in New Zealand. I was not terribly worried and then, then a Facebook communication on Boxing Day asking me to accept being listed as a family member. Days later a group text to say there was an engagement.

 

I know communication works both ways, but it seems to be a thing with people treating me like am obligatory figure. When they know I have something like Aspergers or even being ‘different’ that I have to be treated like I am really dumb. Sure I may joke around, but there are people out there that actually treat people like me as though I am seen, kinda heard, but they have to speak for me when you know they actually have not really taken the time unless you are really close family or  close friends like my Amigos who know me better than others.

 

I do know how family dynamics do work, although I hate to say, I have seem more of the dark side than anyone else and once bitten I will avoid. If I think someone is incredibly stupid, then I will treat them like that. I actually have done that and removed them from my life or I heard another family member say that he wont have his child near any retards (Which is directed at me and I have not spoken to him for close to six years). I have seen others make endless promises especially with help for a homeloan deposit and then later turn around placing that money onto a group certificate so that the ‘gift’ ended up giving endlessly. The family was actually and employer so that made it even worse. I always wonder when people make offerings what the catch is or even if the strings are attached.

 

It seemed to happen again when I came together through some family tree research and I thought the people were alright as they were another branch I had found. I did have one say I am like a son and to me that rings large alarm bells especially when people I have never met say that. I am instantly suspicious of what they are wanting. Though a year or so later they just seem really weird as the shine wore off. I do wonder if they are like what mum has said her dad is like as he was an asshat that played head games and very manipulative along with being very physical. It makes me wonder about many people who are from mum’s dad’s side of the family. One at the moment is really negative and keeps telling me he hates certain books and it gets me down as I feel like I am being dictated as to what I should be reading like what another family member I know of has tried to do in the past. I should set the person free never to hear from them again. Mum’s step dad is way better anyway and I am comfortable around him. We have more in common especially our love of travel.

 

I am not worried about being side lined, it just makes me stronger and learn more as I go. I have a small select group of people who I trust for their thoughts and opinions. I needed to get this off my chest and I find it helps with the thought process as it gets everything off my chest. Blood maybe thicker than water in regards to family, but at least you can choose your friends.

 

Another thing that is funny was that a workmate thought I wasn’t going to enjoy Christmas as I didn’t want to be with my step siblings. I wouldn’t want to be near any of them anyway as they don’t have my interest. I know their ways and its not where I want to be. I think its mostly that I wear a Bah Humbug Hat at work. It is an image of me that I do like playing with. I am different and that is good, which shows in the workplace. I did explain my intolerance to my step siblings, but my love for my sister and nephew. I am older so I don’t have to follow what people want me to do especially family.

Fly, fly away – another trip away

(In case you maybe familiar or unfamiliar with my other blogs, I have posted this one with my other blogs)

My annual trip away has come around pretty fast, although this year I have squeezed in two big trips away and that I am happy for. Another trip to New Zealand with the accidental addition of a fourth week means I will be away longer than I had expected, but is well worth going.

 

So far I have sorted out my travel itinerary, my Ipod and have fresh batteries in my main camera. Every chargable that needs charging will be charged before I go away. I have updated my family tree info in case family need some of that while I am on the road. The books and magazines that I want to take with me have been selected. The last of the trips have been booked especially since I am planning to visit White Island an active volcanic Island. The research points I am wanting to look up have been found so will see what happens when I visit the archives.

 

Usually I have sorted out my packing by now, but this time I have not. I will do that Saturday night just in time for the Monday flight so everything will be busy from then until the morning when I fly out. At least I will hopefully miss the storms unlike last time that delayed up at the airport.

 

Many of the locations I have booked to stay, I have not been to before like Gisborne and Huntly. I am hoping to make a trip out to South Auckland if I do have the time to do so. I am still running on the theme of the New Zealand Wars, but will keep an eye on anything not listed by DOCs. The reason for Huntly is that I have used Auckland as a stop many times and wanted to stay somewhere else. A rough looking place that used to have coal mines and has a museum that I heard is worthy to visit.